Monday, July 30, 2018


It's been a little over a month since I have opened my blog. I have recently gotten into the art and my love for handwriting, in a journal. And I have found it the highest for of therapy lately. I began writing in a notebook, again, on and off nearly a year ago. But I began writing every day around our anniversary in April. My grandmother passed away, my parents sold my childhood home, and then they moved to Northern Idaho which is where my big sister and her family also reside. There have been a few other shifts in my life between then and I've been trying my best to get through it

No, not like at work. Like the wind. You know, that kind of wind shift that makes you go from feeling humid to a ripple of chills up your spine? That kind of wind shift. That kind of change. It's stomach turning, mind blowing, and a fast paced beating heart like you just got finished running a 5k. Blurred vision, muffled hearing, bones aching so much they feel as if your skeleton is going to rip right out of your skin and make a run for the hills. Graphic. I know. But this is the raw and real thoughts that plague the current course my life. I shouldn't say current, sorry, I am in a wonderful place in my life. Transcending really. But life can often feel like a shadow dragging behind you, waiting to jump out of the shadows when you least expect it. Eery. That's what it feels like. Eeryness. 

They aren't all bad. They aren't all blood curdling, lung frozen shifts. Some are magical. Like getting a new puppy right in the middle of a wave of anxiety. Like being fearless and flying on a plane by yourself for the first time. Like a dear friend bringing a child into this world. Like your body changing in positive direction after you've spent months dedicated to eating healthy and working out. Like going into business with your best friend. Like looking into the mirror and thinking "I am beautiful." Like finding out that you don't need a large quantity of people around you to feel like you are worth something. Like knowing you are worth something. Like becoming a powerful female who isn't afraid to stand alone but knows that she doesn't always have to. Like finding out who your true friends are and being okay with who wasn't. Like finding your way. Like finding who YOU are. Shifts aren't all bad. Can you feel it?

Taking a step back and learning to observe has really helped me learn, about myself and about others. I've also been learning more about perspective. It's an art; observation and perspective. In there own and collectively. I challenge everyone to learn these arts. It really becomes a companion as you try to navigate through this life. I've always had a compassionate heart, an understanding and a acceptance of people -- but stepping back and observing has really created a more compassionate and accepting person -- of others and what we are each going through in our lives. I have really come to understand that the black hole of social media will never show you the complete story. I have actually known this for about a decade, but I have been reacquainted with this knowledge. This black hole can suck you in and have a deep rooted death grip on you. This could be why I took a step back from my blog and got back into the secrecy of my journal. We share only what we want to and most of the time that is a facade. It's more popular to be hard on the inside as well as externally. No allowance of vulnerability and No allowance of transparency. But I say, Fuck it. Sorry if my language offends you..But it's true. Fuck it. My speedracer always says "It is what it is..." and it was always irritating to me....until I learned that what it really means is "Fuck it!" and so I switched it out for "...Well, What can you do?" (aka....)

I'm vulnerable. I get thrown down the rabbit hole of the internet. I fall down the well of the shit storm life throws at us. And sometimes I feel like I'm running a 5K....But....Fuck it. The last 6 months have reminded me that I am a strong ass female. I am the ONLY me and I am going along with every single Shift as it comes. Positivity. Gratitude. Openness. That is how I survive. So I guess I leave with this jumble of a post -- Just BE. Allow Shift. Allow release and Allow Stillness. Just BE. and Just Be You. This is your life...You only get one shot. What are you going to do with it?

Love without Fear, Love without Expecting...Love, Love, Love.

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