Wednesday, April 4, 2018

On the Move.

I've been in a season of change lately; a season in which feels somewhat familiar but still uncomfortable. I know, I know it appears that I'm always going through some sort of season of change and that's true because, well, life is constantly throwing curve balls and lessons into the mix. And so, I've pulled out my old softball glove and I'm catching these curveballs to the best of my ability. Which is sometimes super sloppy cause I wasn't that good at softball. As of late, I've been taking the time to dig deep and asking myself those jarring questions that we usually stay away from in conversation.

  • How am I (really) doing?
  • Am I where I want to be?
  • What Direction do I want to go in?
  • What am I willing to (let go) of in order to receive something new?
  • What needs to change in order for this change to occur?

Thus far, my 20's have really validated the importance of asking myself those questions every once in a while. Checking in with myself has really helped the growing process. Ages 20-21 was so different than 22-24, and 25-27 were completely different from those before. So now, I'm setting myself up for 28 through who knows. But here is the thing, I thought I had it all figured out at 20-21, and then curveball, and then I asked myself those jarring questions and I made a change for myself. A big one. and then 22-24 happened and I was sure I was on the perfect path. and then, curveball. And curveball after curveball after curveball. And here I am, 2 1/2 months shy of my 28th Birthday and guess what? Curveball. But hey, I'm prepared this time. I embrace the curveballs now. My 20's have also made me realize that during these seasons of change and growth, people are going to look at you like you're insane. Why? Because they have yet to ask themselves these questions; and hey, that's okay, everyone is different. Our personal growth will sometimes make others feel uncomfortable, once again, that's completely okay. (Being Authentic) This new path of growth isn't always going to be centered between a pretty mountain side and flowing river beds. It's going to be messy. It's going to be ugly, and dark, and scary. And it will probably leave us falling to our knees to throw in the towel. I say probably but I mean, it definitely will. BUT, that's when the real work comes in. And I was reminded of this on Good Friday. 

It's truly amazing how God's timing works, even when it's the opposite of what we were originally thinking or hoping for. These last several days have truly reminded me to ride out the storm. To ride out the different possibilities and paths that this storm can take me on. To ride out how okay it is to not have these questions answered right away or to ride out the feelings that these answers stir up inside of me. Authentic. Sometimes you just gotta ride out the storm and see what happens. When it feels as if everyone is against you, you feel stuck, lost, like you're drowning, and maybe you feel as if you're getting dragged through the dirt and there is not a single person there to help you up.....There is Jesus. There is Jesus, with his hand extended out, reminding me that He understands because he has been through it. And through it all; Hope was on the move, Grace was on the move and Love was on the move...even when nobody else believed it. But he believed it. He believed in a eternal, beautiful life after the storm. He continued to have faith that there would be an everlasting beauty once the storm had passed. There is Beauty in every darkness, we just have to have faith that we will find it. It's just like that moment when we fell to our knees to give up. The path was too dark, too scary, too ugly. We were winded, tired, exhausted. That cross eventually became to heavy. God's timing. There he is. There is Hope. and Love. and Grace. All riding out the storm with us. 

So Let's go back to these questions. 

How am I (really) doing? I'm doing. and that's it. I'm doing. I'm happy, healthy, I love what I do for a living, my husband is a gem, I love our little home, my family is the best. and..I'm doing. 
Am I where I want to be? No. But that's okay. I am learning to love where I am right now. and still have faith for the future. 
What Direction do I want to go in? I want to go in any direction that will have a positive influence on my life. I want to go in any direction that will continue bettering my life for me and my husband. I'll go in whatever direction life is calling me in. 
What am I willing to let go of in order to receive something new?
I am willing to let go of anything or anyone that no longer serves purpose in my which I'm still working out the details of. and that's okay.
What do I need to change in order to make this change happen? I need to change the way I view change. Change doesn't always tag-a-long a consequence. I need to let go of the fear that change will bring something bad before it brings something good. I need to trust the process of change.

So, maybe I don't have all the details worked out yet...and that's okay. Hope is on the Move. Grace is on the Move. Love is on the Move. And I just need to have faith that I'll make it through any storm that rolls my way. I can handle the dark, the scary, and the ugly. Because any cross that I feel I need to carry..I don't have to carry alone. God's Timing. *whoop there it is* And I say all this, over and over, as a reminder to myself and to whoever reads this, that change is scary as hell. And we often feel like we are going through it alone and sometimes that can make us fall back in line where it feels safe. But, God's timing, eventually we will learn to step out of that comfort zone and just go for it. We have Hope, Grace, and Love; always on the move around us. Thank God! *AMEN*

"Love without expecting, Love without Fear, Love, Love, Love"

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