Tuesday, December 15, 2015

The Ghosts of Relationships Past

Today's Post is inspired by Angie from "My So-Called Chaos" and her post "Say that our love ain't water under the bridge." - Check it Out!

If you would have asked me 10 years ago what I thought my love life would be like, I would have told you "I'm going to marry the boy I met at 15, or 16, or 19". My heart was so consumed by the thought of a happily ever after that I dove into falling fast over 3 particular "Ghosts from Relationships Pasts." Because you know, everyone gets married to the boys they met in high school. Even though they never actually had a "boyfriend,girlfriend" title. And looking back now, on the heartache, tears, fights, and hunger to move on. I realized that 15, 16, and 19 year old Ashlee didn't know what the hell she as thinking. But, I'm Thankful for all that my younger heart had gone through. It all worked out in the end I think. And So, a Thank you Letter, to 3 Ghosts And 1 happy ending. 

Dear Boy I met at 15:
It's funny to look back to 10 years ago when I thought you were everything and more. It's funny to think of the laughs, late night texts, driving fast around town, holding hands, and skipping class. The infatuation I had at 15 was something I thought could last way beyond the gates of our High School. I assumed that when you graduated at the end of the year that you'd take my heart with you. That's the way it was supposed to be, wasn't it? Back then I thought so. But then without hesitation, you stopped laughing, texting, driving, holding hands, and skipping class -- well, with me anyways. You where my first Heart Break!! And for that, I want to say...
Thank you for being my first heart break.
Thank you for shattering my world. 
Thank You for letting go of my Hand.
Thank you for ending the laughs and late night texts.
Thank you for ignoring me for the next 2 years.
Thank you for making me sit in the middle of campus crying.
Thank you for showing me that I deserve better.
Thank You for showing me what I DONT want or need.

Dear Boy I met at 16:
Every girl dreams about finding an older guy to sweep her off her feet and make all of her same-aged friends jealous. You did that for me. You're 5 years older. 21 to be exact. Why did we think this could work? Kids these days, I guess. Around this time every year, December, I visualize your face and I hear your voice singing in my head. I've been doing this for the last 9 years. Who knew how much November, December, January, and February would mean to me after all these years. Who knew that every time I hear the soundtrack of Moulin Rouge I let out a little giggle, close my eyes, and picture us flying down the backroads of my town when you'd come pick me up when you got off work. Who knew that I loved New Years more than anything because of the night you drove 4 hours to surprise me at 2am just to give me my first ever New Years kiss. You should know that in 4 years, You're going to get passed up and no longer be "The Best New Years Kiss"...Sorry Dude! Anyways, You had to work New Years Eve, Remember? Who knew that CARS and Jumanji are two of my favorite movies because we spent all New Years cuddled up on the couch eating popcorn and watching movies between our naps. Who knew that I loved stargazing because we used to sit on the hood of your car and just watch the stars for hours on in. Who knew that I despised brown sweaters because you made me give yours back when you told me it was over. Who knew the song "End of the Road" by Boys II Men would make me cry because you used to sing it the year after we broke up. Who knew that driving 2 hours home after seeing your show when I was 18 would be the hardest, saddest, tearful drive I've ever taken. Who knew that after all these years I'd be THANKFUL FOR YOU!
Thank You!
Thank You for breaking my heart.
Thank You for giving me confidence.
Thank You for teaching me to stand up for myself.
Thank You for showing me what I deserve.
Thank you for ending things and letting me go.
Thank You for giving me the strength to move on.
Thank You for teaching me that crying is ok.
Thank You for making me cry for 4 hours straight.
Thank You for making me question was love is.
Thank You for giving up on me.
Thank You for ignoring me when we see each other.

Dear Boy I thought I loved, at 19.
Remember when we were Best Friends in High School? Remember when we did everything together? Remember when we both admitted to each other that we liked each other after I had graduated? Those were the days. Remember how surprised we were when we passed Drama Class but yet never did our homework? Remember how we'd always get in trouble for sitting in the back of the theatre and giggling? Remember how we'd drive around in my car eating breakfast burritos and talking out the lyrics to Rap Songs? Or Quote Dane Cook? Those were the days. Remember when you let addiction get the best of you? And you stopped talking to me? Remember when you moved and finally talked to me months later? I remember that. Those weren't the best of days. I fought everyone and anyone for information. I kicked down doors, yelled, and slapped those who caused you this pain. I hated everyone FOR YOU. And then, you showed me a glimpse of the YOU I had remembered from High School. Remember how I wrote you letters, drew you pictures, sent you birthday cards, and face-timed you as you sat in your dorm at college? That was hard for me. and then, you came home. And surprised me at my door with flowers, those blue eyes, and that accent. Every day we spent together from that moment on. And I thought I loved you. Until you relapsed. (I'm glad your sober now, and happy, and married, and a father.)
Thank You!
Thank You for being my friend.
Thank you for teaching my heart to fight.
Thank you for breaking my heart.
Thank You for making me hate addiction.
Thank You for making me forget what trust was.
Thank You for keeping me up til 4am crying.
Thank you for making me worry about you.
Thank You for ending our friendship.
Thank you for allowing me to break your heart.
Thank You for allowing me to move on.
Thank you for allowing me to find happiness.

Dear Boy I fell in love with at 20.
Everything I said in the 3 "Dear Boy" Letters above don't matter. Why? Because from ages 20 until eternity, You've been and will always be EVERYTHING and MORE..And So..
Thank You for Being my Husband. 

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