Wednesday, November 18, 2015

The Unapologetic Choice

I recently saw the quote above and instantly an array of things came flowing through my head. And so, I began writing each word and thought down about how these words could exist in my every day life. And then I thought, it's practically every where in my life, but I want to narrow it down more. I want one thing to focus on; that's the easiest and best thing to do anyways. right? And so, I've come up with this:

Growing up I always felt like I needed to explain myself. I felt like I needed to explain why I acted a specific way, why I dressed how I did, why I had a stutter, why I'm too emotional and too passionate. Why, Why, WHY. I always explained myself and I always apologized. It's always been my biggest fear to offend, or annoy, let down/disappoint, anger, or hurt someone. And it resulting in me always coming up with an apology or explanation, or a question of how the other person is feeling. Maybe it's the Gemini in me, we feel deeply about everything. It's our greatest and worst quality; atleast for me. Or maybe it's just who I am. A person with worry. 

Ages 21-23 were strange years for me; I went through an assortment of events that broke me as a person. Simply because I take everything so personal. Damn feelings! I guess during those years I felt as if because I was "an adult" that the hurt and pain I was going through would magically get better. And that apologizes wouldn't be so hard nor would grudges be held for so long. And then I had to learn that adults are humans too and sometimes we just suck, which leads to grudges being held and apologizes being difficult because we should have honestly just known better. 

Ages 23-24 were a lot better, I finally got rid of every toxic relationship I had in my life. Okay, maybe it wasn't "got rid of," it was more of I finally let go of. It could have been because SR and I had just gotten married and I felt some magical "I'm officially an adult" power or maybe I just realized that in order to live a peaceful life that I needed to let go and stop worrying, and chasing, and apologizing. And mostly, I learned to stop explaining. I'm half way into my 25th year of life, It's weird and we don't talk about it, but I am at a place where I don't feel as if I need to explain myself anymore, to anyone. When SR and I first started dating I felt like I needed to explain "why I chose him" and "why I'm attracted to him," (to be fair he looks like he would be my complete opposite) and I always let my friends tell me what they thought about him. and sometimes it wasn't nice things. they were in a different circle of friends than the one I had with SR, so they didn't know him. I then had to explain why we moved in together fairly early into our relationship, before we said "I Love You," and then I had to explain why I think he is the one, and then and then and then. It was a never ending circle. SR wasn't the only thing I had felt like i needed to explain myself over, or apologize for. There has always been a variety of things; like that year and a half where I felt like I needed to explain why I bought certain clothes, wore my hair a certain way, why I did my makeup like I did. Just stupid, small things that a person shouldn't have to explain and apologize for.

So now, I am here, sitting on my floor in our new home. I have no makeup on, I'm in a sports bra and big t-shirt, and yoga pants. I am halfway done with my 2nd cup of coffee and I'm listening to my morning playlist. I have no explanation for you as to why this is what I am doing. All that you need to know is, I'm Happy. I think that as time goes on and the more time we spend with ourselves, doing what makes our souls happy, we find that we don't need to apologize or explain. It's when we worry about what others are doing or what others will think that ruins it for us. I'm 25, Happily Married to my Tow-Truck Driving, Dirty Equipment Hauling, Dirt Track Racing Hunk of a Husband. I rarely do my makeup, my hair is always a mess, my feet always dirty, I am always emotional and always passionate, I stutter, I cuss when I'm mad, I voice my opinion more than I should, I yell and I cry, I live in a little house, I dance around and sing into my hair brush, I'm a dreamer, I believe in the "unrealistic," I'm in love with the rain, I feel deeply about everything, I leave my towel on the floor, I laugh at my own jokes and tell you when I think yours are stupid, I believe in God,I'm a Writer, I blog because I love it not because I'm "Emo," and I'd rather drink beer on my couch than in a club. Oh, and I'm also a hot mess, in which, I'm okay with. And I don't apologize for a single thing.

Today, in the Thankful Challenge, we are talking about A Choice. And  my choice is to be: Unapologetic. 

Kick off you Boots, Grab a Cold One, and Stay a While.

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