Thursday, November 5, 2015

Becoming a Writer

Taken the Morning of Our Wedding, I was writing my vows

I had my first diary l when I was in 3rd grade. I couldn't tell you what I wrote about or if anything even made sense within my words; but nevertheless I had a diary at the age of 8. As years went on I spent my time in the land of empty pages and freshly sharpened pencils. I carried a notebook around everywhere with me, even in 7th grade when I went to camp with my school. I hated that trip. I can still remember to this day how writing became my escape so that I didn't have to feel alone because I didn't fit in with my classmates. I was bullied that trip, like every other day, but this time I was stuck on an island for 4 days and couldn't leave. My worst fear at 12 years old came true. I was stuck. In 8th grade the bullying got worse and the more I was being tore down, the deeper my hunger would become for the need to escape into my writing. I filled up 4 notebooks that year. Actually 5, but I burnt that notebook in later years as a way to protest my bullies. Why should their thoughts of me be documented and embedded in my life? It took me until my JR year of High School to understand this.

Throughout my high school years, I would find myself drifting away at the parties to a spot by the fire pit or in a corner alone with my notebook. I would people watch. I had really awesome but definitely crazy peers. I didn't mind them at all, they were inspiring because I knew that beyond that bottle of vodka and further than the blue gates of our alma mater, they were just kids. Kids trying to survive High School. Just like me. and so, I wrote about it. Every single thought. I wanted to remember these nights, those faces, the memories. Good and Bad. When I had my first heart break at 15, all I could do was write. I wrote anything and everything. One page filled with words of my heart ache and the next with words of hope and truth. I filled up more notebooks than I could possibly count during high school. 

I started my first Blog when I was 16, as a way to extend my love of writing out into the world. I liked the idea of writing publicly and finding a community of people that understood my love for creating and writing. I also begun writing my first book. I've never showed anyone that book. My laptop crashed and took every single word with it. It's a loss I don't believe I will ever get over. I spent 3 years writing that Novel and just like that, It was gone. When I was 19 I swore I found the person I was going to be with for all eternity. He had his demons and I couldn't help him battle them. And so, I cried. and I wrote. I think my blog and my diary saw more words in those 6 months than they had in 6 years. Ok, maybe not, but the empty pages of my diary filled up under the moonlight as I spent many nights sitting under the stars with my thoughts and a pen. At 20 I actually met the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with, Speedracer, and I filled up 2 notebooks within the first month of knowing him. I spend a lot of time writing letters to him; every time I'd see him a new letter, new words, new hopes, new dreams. He is what I write about on a daily, still, 5 years later. At 21 I got in the largest argument with my best friend and we didn't speak for 2 years. I wrote about it every day. I started as series on my blog called "Happiness: Growing and Regaining" where I became raw and real with my emotions. Writing helped me through the darkest days I had seen. At 22 I began writing another novel. It's a work in progress but I'm still writing, even 3 years later.

And then, on the morning of my wedding, April 19th 2014, I told my bridesmaids and mom to leave me alone as I curled up on the balcony, in my silk robe that read "Bride" on the back, and I wrote. I wrote a letter to my sweet soon-to-be Husband about how I was ready to be his wife. I wrote about how this day was perfect already and how amazing it was that the day we had been dreaming about since the moment we met was finally here. And then, I wrote my vows. I poured my heart out through the ink of my pen, writing my promises and locking them into the universe with my signature and my heart. and then, I got ready for my day. 

To me, it doesn't matter what I am writing about, as long as I am writing. Writing is transcendent. It's a stillness. It's clarity. It's who I am. It doesn't matter if I'm writing as a Blogger, A Girl with a Diary, an Author of a Book, or a Wife to her Husband. I'm a Writer. and I'm pretty dang Thankful for that. 



What Are You Thankful For?

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