Saturday, August 29, 2015

The Lost Girl.

I want to take you guys back a few years, like 5-6. I was lost somewhere between the ages of 19 and 20, going to school and living at home with my parents. At this moment in time I was working 2-3 nights a week teaching musical theatre classes and on the other days I was enjoying time in my room that was 4 walls of red and full of hand written poetry.. Life was simple; and yet I was eager to get a taste of part of the world I hadn't yet experienced. I didn't mind spending a majority of my time alone because in fact, I preferred it this way. I think there is something beautiful in the silence of sitting with your own thoughts. I wasn't one of those teenagers or "young adults" who had to blast music of teenage angst in my room. Quiet music and dim desk lighting worked for me. I was happy with just that. Most of my evenings were spent getting lost in some book, in my blog or stories I was writing, a blank sketch book, or even my walls that my parents somehow allowed me to paint on when I got bored. A red room with a splash of black paint, of course, the black paint was used as my pen to write quotes and words that I loved upon my wall. 

VIA 2010

When Speedracer and I met each other, my friends told him I was quiet, I kept to myself, go to church, and all around "good girl." Which was totally true, they weren't lying about that. And of course that made my speedracer more intrigued which I didn't understand. We would talk for hours and hours, under the stars with me sitting in my drivers seat and him kneeled down beside my open door. I was quiet and he intimidated me, so I was nervous to talk about the things I liked to do. "I do musical theatre! Yes, I'm a theatre geek. I've been dancing and singing for as long as I can remember. I also draw, and write. I write a blog, it's called 'Life is for the Livin, the Forgiven, and for leaving down alive.' I spend most of my time in my room, i love my room, it's my sanctuary where I can get away and just be myself. Friends? Yeah, I have a few. Never really fit in to the crowd so I have like 3 friends. Kat, Amanda, and Ashley..but they are the best" I wasn't a very interesting person. So I thought.

2010 was great. 2011 was even better, for the most part. I had a boyfriend who fell in love with little ol' weirdo me. My group of friends was the biggest group I've ever been apart of and they were the best people I knew. We weren't just friends but we were family. We literally did everything together. and I loved it. I had never felt so apart of something in my life. And it was nice to find that place. I changed a lot those 2 years. I grew a lot. I learned how to laugh at myself, I gained a backbone, I didn't back down from anything, I fit in. It was nice. 

This is where the story starts to take a turn.
This is where Ashlee Michelle begins to change...and I'm not a fan of this part of the story..

After a while, the fun melted away. Everyone went in their separate ways for one reason or another; that part of the story isn't really important anymore. But it does have a lot to do with the changes that I had faced. I lost myself, completely, in trying to keep friendships alive and people happy. I missed the laughter. It was only silent now, but not the good silence like it was in my room 2 years ago. It was a sad, angry silence. For the next 2-3 years I found myself in a constant battle of trying to move on and become happy with being "just Ashlee" again. But I couldn't find her. I couldn't find that version of me. I had changed too much over the years. When I looked in the mirror all I saw was a face. It wasn't recognizable. That face was sad. I'm not sure exactly when I lost my self. I'm not sure what turn of events is the exact reason I flipped the switch, although I had a few ideas. 

So here is the truth, I became unrecognizable. I became a really angry person. I became a person who was fueled by drama and rumors because for whatever reason that was all I came to know the last several years. I had no problem saying something bad about someone, for the first time in my whole life. But the truth is, I had a huge problem with saying something bad about someone. I felt manipulated. Words would spill out of my mouth and then I would find myself sitting there about to cry thinking "what did I just do? what did I just say?" because I hated participating in such activities. Hurting people wasn't my game. I felt horrible. But, I became a different person and that person had no filter. I was really insecure. It was the worst few years of my life. I constantly compared myself to people, I always had to look my best soley because I didn't want to be the "ugly" one, and I hated my body. Which looking back now I don't understand because I was nearly 10 pounds lighter. maybe 15. But I had been pushed to hate who I was and what I looked like. I let people get inside my head and play games. but that's besides the point here. the point is, I let myself get lost. It wasn't anybodies fault but mine. I felt powerful with my new found "attitude" but once alone in my room I felt weak. I felt sad. 

VIA 2012-2013

 In 2013 when we got engaged I made a promise to myself to try to find the way back home, back to myself. I didn't want to go into our marriage being someone that I didn't like. I wondered if my Speedracer still saw the 2010 version of me deep behind my green eyes, or if he had fallen to like the newer version of myself. and so I slowly began to work towards getting back to the Happy, Loving Ashlee Michelle. but it was difficult. Because I've forgotten who that girl was. I took me all of 2013 to get a plan of action together because I was still being influenced by a negative world. I still wasn't the happiest with who I was. 2014 came around and our wedding was 4 quick months away so I needed to work fast. Things started getting better for me. I gained a whole new perspective on things, I slipped back into a quiet life, you know, the quiet life that I loved several years back? Yes, that life. I was no longer surrounded by negative influences, I shut out the world that was trying to pull me back down into a world full of anger, hate, and hurtful rumors/drama. That world just wasn't for me. I wanted to go back to Ashlee Michelle. The weirdo who painted, wrote blogs, stories, drank tea every night, got lost in a good novel, and loved God. 

Let's speed up to 2015, Shall We?
 I had found a way back towards complete happiness within myself and who I was. It has taken me a while to find my way back and on some days I am still searching. But I'm seeing that light again, that spark, in my green eyes when I look in the mirror every morning. A couple months back I stumbled across the picture above, when I had blonde hair...and I broke down in tears. I asked myself "What happen to this girl? where did she go?" and I realized how much I had changed. I realized how much I missed the person I was. I was angry that I allowed myself to get so wrapped up in who I thought I needed to be in order to being accepted and who I had become after because of the bitter state I had fallen in. And I began to recognize that people probably missed that version of me too. The happy, loving, care-free, drama-free version. I let others down almost as much as I let myself down.

So now I am on this much needed train ride back down to earth and although I stumble here and there, finding that I still make mistakes..I know that I will be okay. Because I'm heading back to a place I loved; to the place I need to be again. Don't we all need that smack in the head sometimes? To humble us? To remind us of the people we used to be? or were meant to be? We don't always have to be content with current version of ourselves. That's the beauty in having the Power to Change. I am spending time doing what I love: Blogging, writing in my diary, drawing, getting lost in a novel, sipping on sweet tea, reading my bible, listening to soft music in dim lighting. And I'm happy. I've had a long talk with a best friend of mine who has noticed my change back to "Ashlee," she told me I was doing great and she could see me really trying. I told her I failed once or twice and she reminded me that it's all apart of my journey, "You're Human" she said...and you know what...She's Right.

VIA 2015

For those who have stuck around, Thanks for hanging in there with me. It's been quite the journey.

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