Monday, January 26, 2015

Laundry and Meltdowns


i haven't lived at home since april 2011. i was a few months shy of my 21st birthday when i moved in with speedracer. although, i think it's safe to say that its not like he ever officially asked me to move in with him, i was just there. we became attached at the hip in august/september 2010, became official january 2011, and by april 2011 i hadn't really left his house. we would just casually bring things of mine over as the seasons changed and i needed more clothes. it wasn't until 2013 that i told my speedracer he needed to officially ask me to move in since at this point he asked me to be his wife. so it was settled in 2013 that i wasn't going anywhere. and so, here i am in 2015.

when the time came for me to finally get all of my belongings out of my parents house, i struggled. we took my bedroom set, which included my bed, dresser, and night stand, which my speedracer was definitely in the need of. newly should i say. we took my desk and a few other things off my walls that i wanted to keep. and then i stood in my room and cried. i had spent years painting that room with memories. literally. at 17 i convinced my dad to allow me to paint my room bright red. and then i kept a small can of black paint and a brush under my desk so when i felt creative i could draw on my walls. quotes filled my walls, a corner of hearts, and sweet little reminders of my personal sanctuary that i had created for myself. many memories were made in that room. and i was really sad to see it go. i could no longer come home to it anymore. the week i moved away my walls were painted back to tan and it was no longer my room. luckily, i had somehow convinced my speedracer to allow us to paint our room bright blueish-teal. so i didn't feel so alone in this room. our room in a sense reminds me of my old room, and i am back to feeling that sense of comfort and safety that i felt in my room back home.

i went through phases of realizing i was no longer at home. the only place i felt comfortable was wrapped up in my blankets on our bed. and then things would get better and i was fine. when i felt comfortable everything was good. but on those dark days, i felt alone and just wanted to be home. or where i considered home to be at least. with mom and dad. and then, in April 2014. we got married. and the final blow of i can't go home to mom and dad hit me. but i was happy. blessed. excited. i was finally married to the man of my dreams. and when we got home from our wedding adventures. i was happy. and comfortable. i was sharing a room with my husband. and i felt at home.

i have always been a home body. i love spending time with my family. and i am content just curling up on the couch watching movies all day and sharing some laughs. thats how i was raised and i wouldn't want anything else. whenever speedracer and i get a chance to go to my parents house, usually on the weekends, i love it. i get super emotional. because i feel warm and comfortable. its my happy place and all is well in the world. and when we have to leave, i cry. i have a break down. and i remember that i have to go home, to our house. and that uncomfortable feeling comes back. that feeling comes and goes. its not always horrible. on most days i am content. and i wish that i could shake this feeling of being sad whenever I'm not at my parents house. because i haven't been there since i was 20.

i wonder if all newlywed brides feel this way within their first year of marriage. did you miss your home and wish you were back in your old room just a door away from your parents. or maybe you lived on your own a long time before you got married, i technically did. but when you parents are your best friends i feel like its hard to part, completely. maybe i am starting my quarter-life crisis a few months too early. married and soon to be 25. and still contemplating lifes adventures ahead. seriously did anyone else feel this way when they got married or hit a certain age? like you realized that you actually are an adult and have adult things to do. like that pile of laundry in the living room? because i know that i am almost 25 and i have no problem curling up in a ball and saying "i want my mommy." and she is usually the one who did my laundry. 

so here i am, in my house, that my parents don't live at. and i am folding laundry, staring at my absolutely beautiful wedding bands, loving my life as a Mrs, but also wishing i could curl up on the couch between my parents. oh life. oh quarter-life crisis. oh first year of marriage. you confuse me.


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