I recently re-read my new years post - The Year of Focus. I wanted to check in with myself to make sure I am on track. I am. YAY! When I wrote that post, I never knew the things that I'd be focusing on this year and I wasn't prepared for all that would happen in these last 8 months. But, Boy oh Boy, am I glad that I have lived through it all.
There is a uncertainty you feel when you decide to pull yourself from the familiar and dive into the unknown. For me, this has been that last 8 months. Cutting out nasty habits, shifting my focus inward, letting go of people/places/things that no longer brought me joy and comfort, and changing my outlook on not only myself but that current environment I was walking in daily. This environment, when I really sit back and think about it...It could be worse. Technicality speaking, my environment is great; but just like any, there is always room for improvement. Always. And so, without even realizing it, I set out to make those changes and fix any kinks I wasn't happy with. Last sunday, Speedracer and I were out on the front porch, I drinking my coffee and writing as the pups played in the grass and SR enjoying a nice cigar while looking up manly racecar things. And I had this thought:
"I wonder what I look like from the outside perspective?"
I wonder what these last 6-8 months have looked like from the eyes of those looking towards me. My Focus, My Position of Stepping back, My Position of Letting Go, and how I have become seemingly more introverted than I have ever been as if I ever thought that was possible. I probably look ridiculous and I probably look intensely selfish. And like usual with my life, it's probably hard for people to understand. This sudden shift in my focus. Well, don't feel discouraged or weirded out, because I too don't understand this sudden shift and all these changes. I just chalk it up to be: It's Life, and Life happens.
At this point, I feel like a broken record sometimes. Constantly referring back to my grandmothers death, in April, and my parents selling my childhood home and moving out of state at the end of May. My anxiety and depression were at the highest they had been in a while and I put on a mask just to save face and conversation. But here is the thing, sudden life changes can change a person. Sudden life changes force you out of your comfort zone until you are standing dead center in a crowded room and you're completely naked. And while in the middle of this room, exposed, someone comes and cuts you with a knife, right to the heart and than right in the back. I'm morbid, all the time. It's problem. But while you are exposed and now bleeding - you are frantically looking around for someone to help you. Your family, Your Best Friends, Anyone. But the room goes dark for a moment and when the lights come back on you realize you're standing there alone. Trying to pick up the pieces. Thankfully, that hasn't actually happened - but it feels like it has. And so - here is the lesson I have been learning...
"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."
I wrote all about this, perspective, and I have been trying my best to change my perspective about certain things and certain environments. I used to think, if I force myself to stick it out then it will eventually work out and I will be comfortable with the situation. Maybe that's true. But here is what I think: why do we continue to try to FORCE together pieces that just don't fit? Why do we continue putting ourselves in environments that make us feel uncomfortable or compromise our true feelings? It's draining. And so, I took that old proverb, "If you don't like where you are, get up and move - you are not a tree," and so now - 8 months later, I am still trying to relocate and it has been quite the lesson. Which has brought me back to "If you change the way you look at things...." because, I could get mad, I could get upset, confused, lonely, etc. But I CHOOSE to change the way I look at my environment and my circumstances. I didn't let myself fall victim to my circumstances like I have in the past - and now, the things I have been looking at have changed, immensely - and Grateful is a understatement. So what's the Focus? What is the overall FOCUS? Simple: Me.
I got tired of trying to be the product of my environment, It was exhausting being stuck because of my circumstances, I was mentally, physically, and emotionally worn down from suppressing thoughts, feelings, and my being at the expensive of others feelings and opinions. The nauseous feeling I would get being in certain places, around certain people, and discussing certain things was like a hamster wheel I just couldn't get off. And so, I broke the wheel. Snapped it in half and threw it out. My Focus made the shift INWARD. For the first time in 28 years. I swore I had done this before, shifted inwards, and I had, but only for small periods at a time and made nothing permanent. I was co-dependant on my past and it me. But this time, I did shift inward and I have. It's a complete 180 turn around. and I can say truly for once in my life, I love the direction I am going in. I love my environment. I love my circumstances. I love Me and what I have going on around me and for me. There is often this train of thought that we can't pick nor control what happens in our lives or what is going on around us. But I say, Why Not? We, as individuals, have the power to make-it-happen. Over your environment? Pick up and move, Make changes, let go of things and of people. Allow the Release. Change the way you look at things and I PROMISE YOU, the things you look at will change. Shift that Focus INWARD and allow yourself to reveal your true self TO YOU and to the world. Break the wheel and go find a more suited path for yourself...all you gotta do is Focus.
"Love without Expecting, Love without Fear...Love, Love, Love"